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May. 2nd, 2010

NJ

Homeland

Within my soul, within my mind,
There lies a place I cannot find.
Home of my heart. Land of my birth.
Smoke-coloured stone and flame-coloured earth.
Electric skies. Shivering heat.
Blood-red clay beneath my feet.

At night when finally alone,
I close my eyes - and I am home.
I kneel and touch the blood-warm sand
And feel the pulse beneath my hand
Of an ancient life too old to name,
In an ancient land too wild to tame.

How can I show you what I feel?
How can I make this essence real?
I search for words in dumb frustration
To try and form some explanation,
But how can heart and soul be caught
In one-dimensional written thought?

If love and longing are a "fire"
And man "consumed" by his desire,
Then this love is no simple flame
That mortal thought can hold or tame.
As deep within the earth's own core
The love of home burns evermore.

But what is home? I hear them say,
This never was yours anyway.
You have no birthright to this place,
Descendant from another race.
An immigrant? A pioneer?
You are no longer welcome here.

Whoever said that love made sense?
"I love" is an "imperfect" tense.
To love in vain has been man's fate
From history to present date.
I have no grounds for dispensation,
I know I have no home or nation.

For just one moment in the night
I am complete, my soul takes flight.
For just one moment.... then it's gone
and I am once again undone.
Never complete. Never whole.
White Skin and an African soul.

Michelle Frost

Nov. 29th, 2009

NJ

(no subject)

If there is no struggle, there is no progress.
Frederick Douglass

Oct. 16th, 2009

NJ

(no subject)

I keep on kicking myself because I don't feel like I've been trying hard enough with my 101 Things, but when I look at the enormity of the things that we've acheived in the last 6 months it's hard to feel too bad. Heck, we've even found a wedding venue!

I'll be better though...I know what I need to do now :o)

Sep. 16th, 2009

NJ

(no subject)

Today girl on a different rota at work who started two months after me asked me how I can be so relaxed with my work. I nearly died of irony.

I'm watching Dirty Dancing. For the last five years this movie has been so bitter-sweet for me. It reminds me of how things were, and what I miss so much now. It's sad that Patrick Swayze is gone. There was nobody else quite like him. I think Jennifer Grey summed it up best - "Patrick was a rare and beautiful combination of raw masculinity and amazing grace".

I need to sort my life out please. I want to live my life properly, and I need to find a way to free myself from this trap I seem to have got myself into. What to do..?

Jul. 12th, 2009

NJ

Yup.

I've decided where my new tattoo is going.

And I really want a cherry tree.

Jul. 7th, 2009

NJ

Poor planning

Why oh why did I pick the most stressful month I will probably have all year to be the one where I gave up chocolate?  I'm moving house, paying for a ton-load of house related fees and to top it all off my final assessment at work is three days after I move. Gah.

Mainly this post is full of excuses for why I have gone and failed one of my monthly goals already. Twice.

Oops.

Jun. 30th, 2009

NJ

101 Things. June ends, July begins.

I failed to;
2. Do something socially with friends at least once a fortnight (I've only seen them for the house party)
24. Spend one evening a fortnight without watching TV or using the PC
32. Read one book every month

These are the goals I did start on;
38. Go to at least 2 gigs 1/2 (Aqualung gig, Sunday 28th June 2009)
39. Eat at 15 new restaurants 1/15 (Centonove, Sunday 28th June 2009)
46. Wear a dress or skirt at least 10 times 2/10 (White skirt, Saturday 27th June 2009) (White skirt Sunday 28th June 20o9)
47. Lose 12 pounds 5/12
58. Take a photo of Naomi and James together every month 1/33 (Sunday 28th June 2009)
61. Watch all my existing DVDs before buying any new ones 1/? (Twilight on Friday 26th June 2009)

Not great, but not bad for the first month I guess. It will be much easier to do this properly when we're in the new place. So that takes me to what I'll be doing in July...

2. Do something socially with friends at least once a fortnight
10. Start recycling
22. Stick to a budget for living expenses (create the budget by the end of July)
23. Clean my car inside and out every 2 months
24. Spend one evening a fortnight without watching TV or using the PC
31. Take a set of photographs of family and friends every 2 months
32. Read one new book every month 0/15
44. Strength training challenges 0/5 (start the squats and tricep dip challenges)
47. Lose 12 pounds 5/12 (lose at least 4 more by end of July)
49. Cooke 20 new savoury recipes 0/20
50. Give up chocolate for 1 month at a time, 3 times 0/12
58. Take a photo of Naomi and James together every month
61. Watch all my existing DVDs
62. Watch 20 new films from IMDBs top 150 0/20
73. Plan, book and work out the cost for a trip to SA
90. Buy a house
92. Find a wedding venue

Yikes, a month without chocolate. That's going to make all the other things so much harder to do ;o)

Jun. 28th, 2009

NJ

Oh yeah...

So those 101 Things? Guess I should actually record what they are...

OngoingCollapse )

CountdownsCollapse )

One offsCollapse )

I've left a couple free for house and garden goals, because it doesn't seem right to decide what the priorities are before we've moved in. I'm nearing the end of my first month, so I'll do a follow up post on the 30th June to show what I've acheived so far.

It feels good to be able to see these goals in black and white. I think (hope) this will stop me wasting quite so much of my time.

Jun. 12th, 2009

NJ

101 Things

Since my birthday, I have thought a lot about my life; how I live it, what I want to acheive, who I am and who I want to be.

It has to be said, I am so fucking proud of myself for the changes I've made in the last year and a half. When I started this journal, I had made the decision that I was not going to shy away from the hard things in life. That when things got difficult I would face them head on, no matter how hard it is.

I have faltered. Numerous times. There have been bad times, and I don't wish to gloss over them because they haven't been pretty. But for the first time since I was 15, I feel like I can truthfully say that I feel emotionally balanced. I feel like I'm a completely different person to the one that left university.

It's not enough. I've made an awesome start to this 'new life' that I've been after, but the fact remains that I don't live life well. I don't appreciate it in the way that I should. I say "no" too often, I don't create enough opportunity to do the things and see the people that really matter. There are people, who are not on this earth anymore, who are more deserving of life than I am because I do not make the most of it.

I decided that it's all very well having these long term plans, for things that I want to acheive in my life, but what about tomorrow, and the day after? What about next week? Next year? Why only plan for the long term?

Enter my 101 Things.

These things aren't meant to be profound changes to my life. They're designed to give me the maximum enjoyment and fulfilment from my life that is realistically possible for the next two and a half years. I 'started' the challenge on 01/06/09, and will have completed each of my challenges by 27/02/12. Ant's 20th birthday.

I have a good feeling about this :o)

 

 

May. 20th, 2009

NJ

Flying dream 143

I stretched out my arms
And my feet left the floor
And how all fifteen (ahem) stone flew to you
I don’t know


So I had a birthday. James came to Reading on Sunday night so that when I came home on the wee hours of my birthday he would be waiting for me. There was bad news on Sunday, and I could never have predicted the effect it would have on us both. I came home three hours early because I couldn't bear the idea that he was at home in my room and I wasn't. I was somewhere in Bracknell when my birthday arrived.

I got home and I stood outside my bedroom door. I could smell him, and I knew I was right to come home. I got into his arms and I hoped, as we all hope at some point, that when the time comes it is me that goes first. Anything else would break me completely.

The best present given to me for my 23rd birthday was the reminder that I should take the time to treasure the things I already have.

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